Time to Move On.....

Well, it's been almost a month since my final follow-up appointment for tattooing. I've been dragging my feet with my final blog post. It's just hard to say good-bye. Although I didn't decide to have a bilateral mastectomy with DIEP reconstruction to make friends, that's what I did. So, writing my final blog post feels like I am leaving a part of me behind. Yes, I did leave my breasts behind, but that's not what I mean.

Before I close, let me just tell you that this journey I have been on for almost three years has been a blessing in disguise. First and foremost, I reduced my risk of breast cancer to 0-2%. I can live with those odds!! Secondly, I made the right choices in procedure, medical team and support system. With those decision I actually found a whole new circle of friends.

The DIEP is not for everyone; however as I type this post I can honestly say that I rarely think about my breasts. They feel so much like my originals that I don't even notice that they aren't. My medical team was absolutely the best choice I ever could have made. I don't think they come any better than Dr. Tobias and Maria at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center. I have absolute trust in them. And for support I had a core group of family and friends who were beside me the entire time through the decision making, surgery and recovery. I chose not to tell everyone and was quite selective in who I did tell. The key to the inner circle of support was if I felt someone would truly be there for me and my family. I chose well. So thank you!!

Regrets? NONE! The surgery is now in my past and every once in awhile I hear myself saying that it was 'the best thing I ever could have done for my family'. I truly believe that, but I also remember being in the PACU wondering if I was going to die (from the phlegm ball and morphine sensitivity). But all these months later those are fading memories.

One thing that will never fade is my desire to continue to help other women who are facing the same decisions that I faced. My DIEP Sisterhood continues to grow with Sara, Kristine and Laurie. All of us are different ages and were diagnosed at different stages; however we found each other and have been able to support each other through surgery and recovery.

As my DIEP Sisters know, I am always willing to reach out and talk or email anyone who wants or needs support. People from all over the world visit this blog, but it is the rare person who reaches out. So, to all those women who read my blog, but never reach out, I wish you the best with your decisions and just know that I am an email away!

There is one person I owe so much gratitude and that is my husband. Now that life is back to normal I sometimes forget just how supportive from Day One. He stood by me, he didn't complain when I spent hours and hours on the computer researching my diagnosis and my options. He took care of the girls when I was obsessing on 'just one more thing I need to research'. He was beside me on the decision making rollercoaster. One day "I'm in" and the next "I'm not in". He took time off for every doctor's consultation, appointment, follow-up, etc. He stripped my drains gently. He told me I looked great when I felt awful. He got me up exercising when he knew I was ready. He encouraged me every step of the way and truthfully if he hadn't been my side, my choices may have been very different. He is my unsung hero!!

I am at peace and excited about the life I have ahead of me. I've realized that it's not the problems you face that define you, but the way you face your problems.

Stage III - Tattooing is complete!!

So last Thursday I had Stage III with Dr. Tobias and Maria in Boston. This was the first time that I hadn't done any research into what to expect.

Tattooing just seemed like the last step and would be the step that would make me whole again. Remember, all along I have been happy with the outcome. After Stage I, it was the circles, after Stage II (a few weeks later) I was happy with the nipples, lipo, etc and now after Stage III I am happy to look whole. Of course I am looking at myself in the mirror from a distance right now so I can't see the 'wounds'.

Up close, it's still a bit icky. I am wearing wound care bandages and gauze bandages under my bra. They look better now than they did last Thursday when they were just bloody nipples!! I hadn't realized just how tattoes are made. That's the lack of research. I knew I was still moving forward with it, regardless, so I didn't invest any further time or energy into it. I figure I invested a year and a half into researching my decision to have the PBM + DIEP that even a little discomfort wasn't going to be a big deal or hold me back. Plus, I absolutely trust Dr. Tobias, so that helps alot when moving through the Stages of DIEP.

Here's the play-by-play of Stage III. First you select your 'colors' from a palette. I deferred to Dr. Tobias who pulled my original breasts up on his computer and created a blended color to match my original color. Next, he tested the site to see if I would need a local. I did. Other than a few needle pricks from the local, I didn't feel a thing.

Most of the procedure, which was 2 hours long, I just talked with Dr. Tobias and Maria. I was able to ask lots of questions about my Stage I surgery and the 'issues' that surfaced way back then. I had no idea how he was creating the pigment for the areolar, but afterwards I got a good look at the bloody nipples and figured it out. Lots of needle pricks.

So, now my job is to keep them free of infection and not to let them scab up and get pulled off with the wound pads and guaze. A little Neosporin helps. I've had to take an antibiotic for the past few days and have one more day to go. Am also taking Tylenol since they seem to be a bit tender/sore.

I have one more follow-up to Stage III in late April, then I will be totally done with the DIEP.

Before I end my blog I will post about my reflections a year later. Then I will turn my blog into a book, which I will hold near and dear. This blog has been my 'friend' for a very long time now. It has also brought me a new 'sister', for which I will be forever grateful. This blog was there when I needed to air my feelings, but didn't have any place to do that. Blogging was a way for me to process what was going on in my head and in my heart. It was a way of seeing in black and white just what I was dealing with.

To anyone reading this, thank you for visiting. I hope that my blog has been helpful to you on your DIEP journey. My heart goes out to each and every one of you!