6 Month Anniversary!!

Today marks the 6 month anniversary of my bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction. I just want to report that I feel wonderful. I feel normal. Most days I don't even think about it. But when the 29th of the month approaches I do tend to reflect on how far I've come since March 29th.

A year ago I really was obsessing on whether or not I should have my breasts removed to fend off my risk of invasive breast cancer. There were endless hours of internet research trying to figure out if this was my best option or if I should wait and watch. There were endless hours connecting with new friends on the best breast cancer support site online. I can't say enough about the support these women gave me. I found women there who represented both sides of the question, "should I or shouldn't I?" Listening to both sides was key to making my decision. One thing that was very apparent to me was that in 3, 4, 5 or 10 years I DID NOT WANT TO BE spending endless hours at breastcancer.org. I did not want to waste another minute on this horrid disease. I wanted to be done with it and move on to living my life.

The only hurdle I had to moving on was a bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction. This was very scary to me. How could I possibly live through and recover from a 14.5 hour operation? Would I be normal after all that? Would I regret my decision? These were very real questions.

Sometimes in life you just have to take a leap of faith. I knew in my head that a PBM/DIEP was the right thing AND I found, what I believe to be, the best team in the world to do my procedure. I just had to get the courage to schedule my surgery. That was probably the toughest phone call I had ever made. Once it was made and the surgery was booked, I started reaching out to people I knew personally who had taken this path before me. Five friends come to mind as they spent lots of time with me on the phone answering questions like, "what do they feel like now?", "how did you make your decision?", "did you go with nipples or tattooing?", "what kind of follow-up have you needed?". You get the picture, nothing was off limits. These women were my lifeline. Not one person regretted her decision. No one was in pain. No one died. I could do it.

So on March 29th, 2010 I was as calm as I've ever been as I walked over to BIDMC for a 14.5 hour surgery. I knew I was doing what was right for me and for my family. I trusted my medical team. And now, I simply feel relief that that part of my journey is over. My risk of invasive breast cancer is now 0-2%, not 50-85%. I can live with that!!

Back to Bras

About a month ago I saw the bra-fitter and she fitted me for bras and bathing suits using a prothesis, even though I have breasts. I actually thought at the time that that was my only option.  At first I loved the whole 38C look, but then the heat came and I got a bit uncomfortable (physically). I love the look, it's just the extra weight. So I went back yesterday and asked for a plain old padded 38A bra without having to use the prothesis. I got two - they are wonderful. It feels like the old me. It's better than the sports bras and better than going without.

So feeling pretty normal again, I am revisiting the whole nipples vs. no nipple issue. Swinging toward the nipples right now. I just hadn't realized that I could wear a normal bra, albeit a 38A. I had thought I would be better off with no bra under tank tops (which I still like), but now have a very good option of a regular bra with no protheses. Who knew that you could change breast size depending on the clothing or event. I guess that's a bonus along with the tummy tuck.

Feeling normal - well almost normal. I've always told people that I feel like my old self unless I am touching my breasts/abdominal area. Well, today I found one more time when I don't feel normal. Hula-hooping. Yup, when that hoop swings across my belly I certainly feel it. A bit uncomfortable, maybe even painful. Not enouugh to pop a Tylenol, but it did get my attention. For a moment I was sad. I love playing with the hula hoop.

From experience, like learning to get hugs again, it will take a bit of repetition to feel more comfortable. I won't give it up. It's a fun thing to do with my 4 and 7 year old daughters. Amazingly our bodies and minds do adapt to the new normal. Who ever knew that I would accept and love a body with a huge scar from hip to hip and breasts with circles for nipples!! They are cancer-free breasts and I love them.

Nipples

Two years ago did I ever think I would create a blog post entitled, "Nipples"? Not in a million years. Life has a way of throwing curve balls, so today I thinking about nipples or actually the lack of nipples.

At my last post-op appointment with my PS, I told him that I would like to have nipples created as well as some touch-up liposuction at my next surgery in November. Stage II typically is the nipple creation stage, so I have been planning on doing it. Until now. Well, let me tell you what has changed.

This week it has been so hot here in Maine, so I have been wearing all those tank tops I bought for post surgery. I have been going without my bra. At this point the only bras I have that fit are the mastectomy bras and I didn't want the extra weight or the binding feeling. AND I LIKE IT. Yesterday I even picked my daughter up at school this way and it was such a freeing feeling. Prior to surgery I never would have gone without a bra if I was going to be seen in public.

So this is where nipples come in. I don't have any, so I don't have that awkward appearance of going bra-less and having nipples show through. Even in cold weather or if I get a chill I don't have to think about my nipples. Very very freeing. Not that I thought about my nipples at all before the surgery, but after the surgery I have thought about alot of things I never had before.

Here's my dilemma. Do I have the PS reconstruct new nipples, which will always be semi-erect (without any sensation) or do I go with a 3-D tattoo that looks like a nipple? As a traditionalist I always figured I would do the typical Stage II nipple reconstruction, but I am leaning strongly toward the tattoo. The thing that is tipping the scale is the freedom to go bra-less when I choose to. If I go with the nipples then I would not walk around bra-less in a tank top at public events. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but as I said I am a traditionalist, so I just wouldn't do that.

Plus, as a new 38A, I am limited. I've tried all the big chain stores for bras that fit my new body, but it is an exercise in futility. So, luckily I have already been fitted with mastectomy bras, which are great. They give me the shape that I have always lacked and they are comfortable. But on hot days, particularly when I moved to camp, I like the simplicity. And putting mastectomy inserts into a bra just aren't my idea of simplicity.

As I searched the internet for a photo for this posting, I came across lots of tank tops and camis with shelf bras built in. I wonder if that would make the whole semi-erect nipple a mute point. I will have to try one to see, but I am still leaning toward the 3-D nipple. If anyone of my readers have dealt with this issue I would absolutely love to hear from you.

Today I am cleaning. All that clutter I talked about last week, well it's still here. I was working on a special project that consumed me for a few days, but now I am back.

Post-Mastectomy Bra Fitting and Follow-up in Boston

Last week I had lots of things going on, not the least of which were my follow-up visits with both the breast surgeon and the plastic surgeon. Additionally my computer crashed - that's the reason I wasn't able to post any updates - my work has picked up again and I was fitted for post-mastectomy bras. All of these things made for a hectic week.

Life is truly back to normal. Let's start with the bra fitting. I requested this via my PCP. It was a wonderful visit with an old friend. I knew her back in the days when I was the Chair of the Race for the Cure. Being fitted for a bra for my new breasts was informative. It seems that for years I have worn the wrong size bra - or I have grown. That could have happened after all my efforts at feeding my flap (more on that in a later post). With my new breasts I am a 38A. There are very few places you can find a 38A bra, so this service was great. Even though I have breasts (ones that I am very proud of and ones that I truly earned), it still felt good to add a prosthesis to a 38B bra and to some bathing suits. These post-mastectomy bras are comfortable and look good. With them I am actually bigger than I was when I started all of this.

The next day I was in Boston to see my doctors. With Dr. Tobias we discussed what Stage 2 surgery would be all about. Basically a little bit of lipsuction (I was hoping for more!), a little tuning up of the dog ears on the ends of my abdominal scars, and a bit of filling in of the spots where the breast surgeon took tissue above my breasts. It all made sense. I thought he might be able to do some more lipo and plump up my breasts a bit, but that's not exactly necessary according to the doctor. Next I was off to see the breast surgeon. She did a breast exam, which wasn't uncomfortable at all. I thought that since my breasts are quite numb that I might find it uncomfortable, but I didn't. After that she cut me loose. My annual breast exams will be with my local breast surgeon. I was surprised, but grateful that I don't have to make a 4-hour trip for that.

When I told her that I had been fitted for bras with the post-mastectomy bra fitter, my breast surgeon was surprised. She said that I should just go to Victoria's Secret or some other places for bras and bathing suits since the whole point of the reconstruction was to avoid a prosthesis. I was surprised by her reaction. But, we headed out to do some shopping so I figured I would see if I could find something that would fit. My old bras and bathing suits don't fit so I had my doubts.

Well, after a few hours of trying on clothes (without my 38B bra on) I found a couple of bathing suits that worked for me. But, I couldn't find a bra to fit. They don't make 38A padded off the rack at Sears or JC Penney. When I got home I did go online to Victoria's Secret and saw that they do offer a 38A padded bra for $45. I won't order one, but when I get to a Victoria's Secret store I will try one on. In the meantime I am very happy to have the bras from the bra fitter as well as some sports bras that fit.

Now I have some versatility in my bathing suit wardrobe. Remember, I live at our camp in the summer and spend lots of time on and near the water. Right now I have bathing suits for watersports like waterskiing and tubing (non-prothesis) and others for socializing on the deck (full cup 38B). I am happy. Probably not all people will need or want both the non-prothesis bras and bathing suits, but it works for me. I am wearing the Full 38B in the picture!!!