6 Month Anniversary!!

Today marks the 6 month anniversary of my bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction. I just want to report that I feel wonderful. I feel normal. Most days I don't even think about it. But when the 29th of the month approaches I do tend to reflect on how far I've come since March 29th.

A year ago I really was obsessing on whether or not I should have my breasts removed to fend off my risk of invasive breast cancer. There were endless hours of internet research trying to figure out if this was my best option or if I should wait and watch. There were endless hours connecting with new friends on the best breast cancer support site online. I can't say enough about the support these women gave me. I found women there who represented both sides of the question, "should I or shouldn't I?" Listening to both sides was key to making my decision. One thing that was very apparent to me was that in 3, 4, 5 or 10 years I DID NOT WANT TO BE spending endless hours at breastcancer.org. I did not want to waste another minute on this horrid disease. I wanted to be done with it and move on to living my life.

The only hurdle I had to moving on was a bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction. This was very scary to me. How could I possibly live through and recover from a 14.5 hour operation? Would I be normal after all that? Would I regret my decision? These were very real questions.

Sometimes in life you just have to take a leap of faith. I knew in my head that a PBM/DIEP was the right thing AND I found, what I believe to be, the best team in the world to do my procedure. I just had to get the courage to schedule my surgery. That was probably the toughest phone call I had ever made. Once it was made and the surgery was booked, I started reaching out to people I knew personally who had taken this path before me. Five friends come to mind as they spent lots of time with me on the phone answering questions like, "what do they feel like now?", "how did you make your decision?", "did you go with nipples or tattooing?", "what kind of follow-up have you needed?". You get the picture, nothing was off limits. These women were my lifeline. Not one person regretted her decision. No one was in pain. No one died. I could do it.

So on March 29th, 2010 I was as calm as I've ever been as I walked over to BIDMC for a 14.5 hour surgery. I knew I was doing what was right for me and for my family. I trusted my medical team. And now, I simply feel relief that that part of my journey is over. My risk of invasive breast cancer is now 0-2%, not 50-85%. I can live with that!!

Getting Nervous All Over Again!

With Stage II surgery on the horizon (November 5th) I am getting nervous all over again. When I got my packet from Beth Israel yesterday with the surgical instructions I had to put it down. Because this isn't the 'big' surgery I really haven't appreciated that it is still surgery.

I am having flashbacks to March 29th. At that point I had put so much into that decision that I was more than ready. Plus I had the advantage of not knowing what to expect. This time I know that I can have an adverse reaction to anesthesia and morphine. Plus, who knows if I will have another phlegm ball incident. The one saving grace is that I absolutely trust my doctor. But it is still surgery.

Needles....not my favorite things. Last time I began drinking lots and lots of water so that my veins would be easy to find and less painful as they insert them for IVs and all the other things they hook up to my body. I can't imagine that I will wake up in the PACU and have tons of things hooked to me like last time, but I just don't know. I can honestly say that the ABSOLUTE WORST DAY of my life was the day I spent in PACU. This is certainly not the case with anyone else I know. They actually liked their nurses in PACU. Again, it's the phlegm ball thing. When you can't breathe, life is tough.

Being a post-surgical patient has been awesome. Being a pre-surgical patient is not quite so awesome. I have to wrap my mind around it all over again. Last time I had expected to be laid-up for 6 weeks, when in reality it was about 6 days, if that. This time I don't know what to expect. I am hoping to be feeling fine the day after as I have purchased tickets to the Super Supper at my daughter's school and want to go to the event. BUT, I know that if I plan on feeling great, I will be down and out and very disappointed. This time there shouldn't be an drains - I pray for no drains!! Plus I have given all my drain supplies (marsupial pouch, bathrobe, jacket, etc) to a friend who just had the surgery. The likelihood of drains is slim.

One other thing is that I thought I was just getting lipo, not that that isn't a big deal, but I hadn't realized that I would also be getting nipple reconstruction during this procedure. I've been on the fence about nipples. I like my breasts they way they are and am not sure that adding nipples will make me happy. I still can choose not to do that, but on the other hand......when I change in a locker room it would be nice to look a bit more normal. And I have two little girls who might even forget someday that I had a bilateral mastectomy if my body looked like everyone else's body.

So, yes, I am nervous. Yes, I will do more research into nipple reconstruction. And, yes, I will do what I can to be the best I can be for my surgery.

Pre-Op Scheduled for Stage II

For the last few months I have been a resource to some friends who are facing the decision of whether to get the DIEP or not following their cancer diagnoses. But now I am the patient again. With Stage II looming on the horizon I am starting to focus on what I need to do and what I can expect from this procedure.

What I know is that Dr. Tobias will go in and smooth out the 'dog flaps/ears' on the abdominal incision. He will also do some lipo and add the fat to spots where breast tissue was taken. This doesn't seem too awfully invasive; however I am quite concerned about me and anesthesia. If you recall, I had a very tough time with that during Stage I, which was 14.5 hours long. When I came out I had a phlegm ball and couldn't breathe for a couple of days. Not breathing meant not sleeping and not sleeping meant "crazy" times. Then, on top of that, I have a sensitivity to morphine! I've been reassured that with this surgery which will be about 3 hours this should not happen again and they won't give me a morphine pump, but I do have my fears.

With all that in mind, I am still moving forward. Today I scheduled my pre-op appointments. I have timed these appointments so that I can dovetail my trip to Boston with a visit to a friend who is having Stage I that week. This will be my first visit to Boston by myself. I am excited about the adventure of the trip, but also that I don't have ask to anyone to watch the girls since DH can do that.

It feels like years since I have had to deal with referrals and authorizations, but I am back at it. Luckily I have a wonderful PCP whose staff 'gets it' and makes it easy for me. One thing I have learned along the way is that my insurance provider is very much a member of my 'team'. They may be the silent partner, but without them none of this would be possible. Before each appointment making sure that they are on the same page is essential.

So, now I need to wrap my mind around another surgery. One thing that is very very different this time around is that I am not spending endless hours on the internet like I did with Stage I. I want Stage II. I know that I am in good hands. I know that they will answer all of my questions and Maria has already done alot of that!!!

"More importantly, how does your husband like them?"

This is a post that has been waiting to come out. Maybe I am being a bit touchy, but when a friend's friend (male/55+) said, "More importantly, how does your husband like them?", I didn't take it well. I gave him just a cursory response, but later thought about the absolute thoughtlessness of this comment. He is great example of someone who truly doesn't get it. I did not have my breasts removed/replaced for any other reason than to reduce my risk of breast cancer. Going from a good B-cup to a small A-cup isn't about cosmetics. I've wondered what it is that I said that may have gotten him thinking I was in for enhancements. Anyway I just needed to get this off my chest!!

My blog is meant to be about my experience as a high-risk woman, diagnosed with LCIS (lobular carcinoma in situ) and when faced with my options, chose to have a prophylactic bilateral mastectomy with immediate DIEP reconstruction at Beth Israel Deaconness Hospital in Boston with the best doctors in the world (my opinion)! I have completed Stage I of my DIEP procedure. I still have one more surgery and two more office procedures before I am complete. Stage II is scheduled for November 5th.

My posts will continue, albeit sporadic since I have a pre-K daughter who attends school half-days and I am trying to fit my work into those short periods of time.

Last Days of Summer

It's been so long since I blogged that I think I may have forgotten just how to do it. Well, not really. All summer I have been on dial-up service and chose not to do much writing online. But now I am back at home and will start writing about my reflections of an awesome summer with my new breasts and about my upcoming Stage II surgery in November beginning in September. That's only a week or so away, so it won't be long before I'll be back in the swing of things....I will cherish these last few days of summer with my girls.

Hugs!!

Today I noticed that I can give hugs without cringing. Can you believe that for years - yes, years - I haven't been able to hug anyone without my breasts hurting? They were always sore and tender. Over the years I gave up coffee, chocolate and anything that I thought might be causing my breasts to be sore. Nothing worked.

Cystic breasts are cystic breasts. And the cysts caused my breasts pain. Pain when running, pain when sleeping and pain when hugging.

So today is a great day!! Even though I have given and received tons of hugs since coming home, I had still kind of protected my breasts when doing it. Until today! I am thrilled. I can give bear hugs!!

This week was also a turning point in other areas as well. First, I haven't had a cup of coffee all week. I love coffee and I don't have to worry about it's effect on my lobules or ducts any more. But I didn't feel like I needed it. For the past month I have craved it and have had a couple of cups a day, but something changed. I don't know what it was, but my body isn't craving it anymore and I am taking advantage of not having to spend the extra time drinking it. The second turning point is that I realize I am back to being me. It is amazing how the body can bounce back from such a big surgery. I do realize that I am lucky and blessed beyond belief to have had such a speedy and uneventful recovery.

A quick note to my regular readers. I will be away for much of the summer and will post even more sporadically, but in September I will begin again. With my Stage 2 surgery scheduled for November I will be posting more frequently at that point. So, have a great summer.  I will be lakeside with Jie Jie and Mei Mei and loving every minute of it. With no worries of breast cancer or surgery, I can relax and enjoy the most important things in life.

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

I am a happy mom. On most days I don't even think about my surgery or my breasts or breast cancer. Life is good. Today, just before this picture was taken I had to tell my girls not to jump on my scar or my belly. They tried not to, but did it anyway, laughing as hard as they could. They weren't hurting me, it's just uncomfortable. But that was the only time all day that I even thought about my body.

It's hard to believe that I could go through this very rugged surgery and 10 weeks later not even think about it. Now that I have the right bras I don't even have to think about what I am going to wear each morning. It is just like it was before the surgery - only so much better.

I saw an old old acquaintance today at at party and we talked about breast cancer. She finished her chemo about the time I started my research into LCIS, PBM, DIEP. She mentioned that when she was faced with the decision to choose a surgery, she chose lumpectomy. The other option given her besides lumpectomy and implants was TRAM. She chose lumpectomy because she didn't want to sacrifice her stomach muscles. She had assumed that that's what I did. She had no idea about the DIEP. I wish everyone had the DIEP presented to them as an option.

Once again I am grateful for my local breast surgeon who discovered the non-invasive LCIS and for the best plastic surgeons in the world in Boston. I know how lucky I am.

Back to Bras

About a month ago I saw the bra-fitter and she fitted me for bras and bathing suits using a prothesis, even though I have breasts. I actually thought at the time that that was my only option.  At first I loved the whole 38C look, but then the heat came and I got a bit uncomfortable (physically). I love the look, it's just the extra weight. So I went back yesterday and asked for a plain old padded 38A bra without having to use the prothesis. I got two - they are wonderful. It feels like the old me. It's better than the sports bras and better than going without.

So feeling pretty normal again, I am revisiting the whole nipples vs. no nipple issue. Swinging toward the nipples right now. I just hadn't realized that I could wear a normal bra, albeit a 38A. I had thought I would be better off with no bra under tank tops (which I still like), but now have a very good option of a regular bra with no protheses. Who knew that you could change breast size depending on the clothing or event. I guess that's a bonus along with the tummy tuck.

Feeling normal - well almost normal. I've always told people that I feel like my old self unless I am touching my breasts/abdominal area. Well, today I found one more time when I don't feel normal. Hula-hooping. Yup, when that hoop swings across my belly I certainly feel it. A bit uncomfortable, maybe even painful. Not enouugh to pop a Tylenol, but it did get my attention. For a moment I was sad. I love playing with the hula hoop.

From experience, like learning to get hugs again, it will take a bit of repetition to feel more comfortable. I won't give it up. It's a fun thing to do with my 4 and 7 year old daughters. Amazingly our bodies and minds do adapt to the new normal. Who ever knew that I would accept and love a body with a huge scar from hip to hip and breasts with circles for nipples!! They are cancer-free breasts and I love them.

Goal Achieved!!

Way back on December 7th, 2009 I decided to book my surgery. I was at a PTFO meeting on that Monday morning, when a friend said that she was ordering tickets (if I wanted them?!!!) to the Taylor Swift concert at Gillette Stadium in Foxboro, MA for June 5th, 2010. I said "YES!" then went home to book my surgery. I had a goal: to be well enough in my recovery from my PBM + DIEP to go to the concert with Jie Jie on June 5th.

I needed that goal to have the courage to pick up the phone and place a call to Dr. Tobias' office requesting a date for surgery. It was the toughest phone call I had ever made - but I HAD A GOAL! At that time I had met with my doctors at Beth Israel and knew I wanted to get rid of my LCIS and risk of bc, but hadn't found the courage to schedule surgery. It had been a week since my final consult in Boston. I was mulling it all over in my head, wondering if I should do it in 2010 or maybe 2011 or even 2012. I was finding ways to procrastinate..... until my friend presented me with this once in a lifetime opportunity!! Here are excerpts from my posts of December 7 & 8, 2009.

"Today I made the decision to move forward with a prophylactic bilateral mastectomy. It was a year in the making and by far the toughest decision I have ever had to make. Although the final decision was mine to make, I want to thank my friends and family for being there every step of the way. You all rode the same rollercoaster with me and I will be eternally grateful to you all."

"March 15, 2010 is the date of my surgery! It's overwhelming. The emotions connected to hearing this date are across the board. Relief. Fear. More Relief. More Fear. And believe it or not - pride. I am so damn proud of myself for making a decision. It would have been so much easier to wait and wait and worry and wait. I will keep this to myself all day. I need to mull it over. I need to see what my 'gut' reaction is. I need to cry a little bit. I need to accept who I am and why I am making this decison."

When looking back I know how I felt and how uncertain I was. But there was one thing that I felt very certain about and that was that I wanted to go to the Taylor Swift concert on June 5th no matter what. Jie Jie loves Taylor Swift and we love the family who provided this opportunity for us. I was determined to make this happen on my end. As anyone knows who is facing surgery you worry about the outcome, the pain, the recovery, your energy level and lots of other things. So, being physically ready to spend several hours in a car and being at a crowed stadium with 55,000 people worried me. I knew I needed to have my surgery sooner rather than later, so March sounded perfect. I knew I need time to heal. I would have both April and May to heal and 8-10 weeks seemed like a good amount of time.

What I didn't know at that point was how quickly I would heal, how minimal the pain was, how much easier it is on this side of surgery. So as I waited for the surgery date I kept my eye on the goal. Even when my surgery date got moved back two weeks I kept my eye on the goal. I wasn't happy for lots of reasons, but I figured I should still be able to make it to the concert. Dr. Tobias' nurse, Maria, reassured me that I should be okay by June 5th. She thought that even 8-10 weeks out I might still be getting a bit tired late in the day, but that physically I should be able to handle a concert with no difficulty.

Goal achieved!!! First, I can't thank my friends enough for making this happen. Without the motivation they provided by offering us tickets, I may still be blogging about my decision to do my surgery and when would be the best time. So, thank you Rita and Shawn!!!!  Second, my risk of breast cancer is now 0-2%. Third, I feel fantastic. Yes, I do get a bit achy here and there and yes, my energy level dips at the end of the day, but I am thrilled with my recovery. And lastly, the Taylor Swift concert was the absolutely fantastic. I can't give praise high enough to tell you just how awesome Taylor Swift is as a performer and a role model.

So, on a Monday morning in June, I am happy and proud and grateful and blessed.

Where's the Pain?

It's now well over 2 months since my PBM + DIEP, so I thought I would provide an update on pain. Truly I don't remember when it stopped. If you recall my pain was never more than a 0, 1 or 2, but I was achy and somewhat uncomfortable at times. But now, 2 months out, I rarely even think of my breasts at all. There is that moment in the morning when I decide what to wear when my breasts are in my thoughts, but other than that they aren't.

This amazes me. For two years now my breasts have been foremost on my mind. It was exactly two years ago that I was scheduled for my first biopsy. That biopsy was rescheduled to accommodate my summer schedule, plus there was some denial going on. It may have been postponed, but I was already on the roller coaster that carried me through even more biopsies, mammos, MRIs, ultrasounds, pathology results, breast surgery consults, plastic surgery consults, and ultimately my decision to have a PBM with DIEP at BIDMC in Boston.

As I sit here in comfy clothes with my binder on (I like it!), thinking back to this whole journey, I am reminded of my biggest fear. Pain. Because I had so much time to make a decision on what to do about my LCIS, I focused alot on pain. I read about post mastectomy pain syndrome and nerve damage and general long term regrets. Since there is no going back I really needed to make sure I understood all the risks. Then I had to decide if the risks of  moving forward outweighed the risks of doing nothing. So, at my pre-op visit with Maria in Dr. Tobias' office, I had four pages of questions that she so graciously answered in depth and with humor. 90% of those questions were about pain. The other 10% were about breast size. My fears were certainly bubbling to the surface. I remember thinking that if I was going to back out that now would be the time.

Since everyone is different, no one can tell you definitively what it will be like for YOU. But you won't know until you take the leap. In my calculating mind, I knew that my risk for lymphodema was zero since I didn't need to have a sentinel node biopsy. Remember, what I had was LCIS (lobular carcinoma in situ), a non-invasive bc, which is perceived as a marker for increased risk of bc, not a pre-curser. So, I knew I could dodge that bullet, but I worried alot about residual pain.

At first, immediately after my surgery, I thought I had some nerve damage in my arm. It was there for about 2 weeks, then disappeared. It was very uncomfortable. My fears of residual pain were surfacing, but I was still glad to have had my risk of bc reduced.

I am lucky. Lucky to have had an aggressive local breast surgeon who was committed to understanding my 'complicated' breasts. Lucky to have found LCIS and nothing more. Lucky to have the time to research and understand my options. Lucky to have a supportive family who could step in for us while we spent many days away from home. Lucky to have friends who circled us with love, compassion, support, flowers and food! And lucky to have had very little pain and now to have no pain at all.

You're Doing What???

About a year before my PBM + DIEP I told some of my extended family what I was planning to do. There were varied reactions as can be expected, but what I didn't realize was that no one thought I was serious. I think the nature of the surgery - removing both breasts and replacing them with abdominal fat seemed way too far out there for them. I hadn't realized that it was just too incredulous for them to believe. At the end of the summer I left it that sometime before the next summer I would do the operation, but that I needed to assemble my medical team.

As the months went by I never heard from anyone. This is typical, but I thought they might be interested in a surgical plan update, but no one asked. So I didn't tell anyone. I had assumed that they didn't really want to know. Little did I know that they hadn't taken me seriously.

This was a great lesson for me. Although I blog (translated that I share my thoughts with the world) I am a very private person. I tend to talk about things during the processing stage, that's how I gather information. Once I have processed all the information I stop talking. My decision making style is very internal and quiet. When I am in that stage my efforts are not on discussing, but on researching and clarifiying. Only those in my very close inner circle are privy to what's going on then. So unless someone had specifically called to ask about my pending surgery or my non-invasive breast cancer I would not have reached out to tell them once I had moved from the processing stage to the decision making stage.

To take a step back, when we were exploring international adoption I did the same thing. For years beforehand, I talked about it, gathered impressions from family and friends and processed it. Once I was ready to move forward I stopped the discussions and started moving forward toward the making it a reality. It was only when our first referral was imminent that we shared our news. Same as with my PBM + DIEP.

The knowledge of how I actually make decisions will help me to keep people in the loop if they choose to be. I can honestly say that there are some who prefer not to know certain things and I will certainly respect that. In the end, life is a process of learning and growing and changing, much like a puzzle. It's just a puzzle without a clear picture. There are always new pieces you discover along the way. Here's a quote by Joseph Campbell that speaks to how life sends us down unexpected pathways. It is from these pathways that we bring depth and color to our lives.

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned,
so as to have the life that is waiting for us."

Nipples

Two years ago did I ever think I would create a blog post entitled, "Nipples"? Not in a million years. Life has a way of throwing curve balls, so today I thinking about nipples or actually the lack of nipples.

At my last post-op appointment with my PS, I told him that I would like to have nipples created as well as some touch-up liposuction at my next surgery in November. Stage II typically is the nipple creation stage, so I have been planning on doing it. Until now. Well, let me tell you what has changed.

This week it has been so hot here in Maine, so I have been wearing all those tank tops I bought for post surgery. I have been going without my bra. At this point the only bras I have that fit are the mastectomy bras and I didn't want the extra weight or the binding feeling. AND I LIKE IT. Yesterday I even picked my daughter up at school this way and it was such a freeing feeling. Prior to surgery I never would have gone without a bra if I was going to be seen in public.

So this is where nipples come in. I don't have any, so I don't have that awkward appearance of going bra-less and having nipples show through. Even in cold weather or if I get a chill I don't have to think about my nipples. Very very freeing. Not that I thought about my nipples at all before the surgery, but after the surgery I have thought about alot of things I never had before.

Here's my dilemma. Do I have the PS reconstruct new nipples, which will always be semi-erect (without any sensation) or do I go with a 3-D tattoo that looks like a nipple? As a traditionalist I always figured I would do the typical Stage II nipple reconstruction, but I am leaning strongly toward the tattoo. The thing that is tipping the scale is the freedom to go bra-less when I choose to. If I go with the nipples then I would not walk around bra-less in a tank top at public events. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but as I said I am a traditionalist, so I just wouldn't do that.

Plus, as a new 38A, I am limited. I've tried all the big chain stores for bras that fit my new body, but it is an exercise in futility. So, luckily I have already been fitted with mastectomy bras, which are great. They give me the shape that I have always lacked and they are comfortable. But on hot days, particularly when I moved to camp, I like the simplicity. And putting mastectomy inserts into a bra just aren't my idea of simplicity.

As I searched the internet for a photo for this posting, I came across lots of tank tops and camis with shelf bras built in. I wonder if that would make the whole semi-erect nipple a mute point. I will have to try one to see, but I am still leaning toward the 3-D nipple. If anyone of my readers have dealt with this issue I would absolutely love to hear from you.

Today I am cleaning. All that clutter I talked about last week, well it's still here. I was working on a special project that consumed me for a few days, but now I am back.

The New Normal....

The new normal is very much like the old normal. My life is full of clutter, disorganization, deadlines and errands. But today I hope to take charge of some of those things. Caffeine will need to be my co-pilot.

Speaking of caffeine, we have a long and complicated relationship. When I was 32 I had my first breast lump and mammogram. All was fine. However, during my consult with the nurse two things stood out. One thing I remember (now that was almost 20 years ago) was that if I were to get breast cancer it would most likely be in the opposite breast as my mother. Why she even mentioned that I don't know, but it is one of those things (probably a black pearl) that stuck with me. The other was the link of breast lumps to caffeine. Even at 32 my breasts were cystic. So, after feeling like I had dodged a bullet I gave up caffeine. I would do whatever I needed to do to reduce my risk of breast cancer.

For 12-13 years I didn't drink coffee. I took a couple of days to get over it, but then it was done.  No more caffeine. Then I became a mom for the first time on August 27, 2003 in Guangdong, China at 2pm. Jie Jie was not a sleeper and I could barely function. So, it was back to caffeine. Yes, I felt guilty and I worried a bit, but was getting annual mammograms so didn't spend much time obsessing on it. I needed the caffeine.

Eventually I weaned myself off the caffeine, but would occassionally start again, but not in a big, addicted way. Until now. Heading into surgery I knew I couldn't have caffeine (no coffee or chocolate), so I gave it all up several months before surgery. The caffeine constricts blood vessels and since my whole reconstruction was about reattaching blood vessels it is better to have as much blood flow as possible. But, a couple of weeks ago (7 weeks post-surgery) my energy started to dip big time around 9-10am and again around 2-3pm. So, I went back to having a couple of cups of coffee in the morning and I am now addicted. I love my coffee. And I don't feel any real twinges of guilt. So when I finish this post I will go downstairs and enjoy a big cup of coffee on my patio.

But, back to the original reason for my post. Life is back to normal. This was something that I had lost sight of as my surgery approached. Thankfully I was reminded by a friend (Jen) who told me a couple of weeks before my surgery that I would be coming back to my life. She said that truly nothing would change. Yes, I would have surgery, but that I would recover and would get back to my family, my responsibilities and the clutter. She was 100% right. Everything is the same. My new normal is very much like my old normal. And I am off to prepare to tackle the clutter, armed with my caffeine!!

The Ken Doll Effect

Not sure if anyone else has this or knows anything about it, but I have just learned the term, "Ken Doll Effect". Some of you will laugh, others will understand. After the DIEP your lower skin is pulled up pretty high creating a bump. Other than showing a picture (which I am not going to do) I can only describe it as a bump, very similar to the bump in the same area on the Ken doll.

Since coming home I have felt like I have two parts to my belly now. One is the Ken doll part and the other is my stomach, but higher. Then there is the line that separates the two. Above the line, if I eat, it gets bigger. Well, not if I eat, but rather if I eat ALOT. The bottom part doesn't really change. I am wondering if this will smooth out or ever feel like it is just one belly. My husband has been my workout coach, but I hate sit-ups. I am wondering if I am destined to a lifetime of endless sit-ups to get rid of it.

Yesterday I was at a school picnic for Jie Jie, and one of the moms was telling me that she had had a tummy tuck after her second child and had the same thing. She said that after about six months the top part of her belly flattened out and the incision become less indented. I am hoping that that will also happen, but I don't know. I can live with it the way it is, but I would certainly like to look a little less Ken-like. I don't know if it is still swelling - it's been 8 weeks so that doesn't seem right, but I don't know just how long swelling lasts.

I put this out there for two reasons. One reason is to detail my recovery in order to help other women and the other is to hear from other women to see if this is something that they have dealt with. So, if you've experienced the Ken Doll Effect and the two bellies, I would love to hear from you.

Post-Mastectomy Bra Fitting and Follow-up in Boston

Last week I had lots of things going on, not the least of which were my follow-up visits with both the breast surgeon and the plastic surgeon. Additionally my computer crashed - that's the reason I wasn't able to post any updates - my work has picked up again and I was fitted for post-mastectomy bras. All of these things made for a hectic week.

Life is truly back to normal. Let's start with the bra fitting. I requested this via my PCP. It was a wonderful visit with an old friend. I knew her back in the days when I was the Chair of the Race for the Cure. Being fitted for a bra for my new breasts was informative. It seems that for years I have worn the wrong size bra - or I have grown. That could have happened after all my efforts at feeding my flap (more on that in a later post). With my new breasts I am a 38A. There are very few places you can find a 38A bra, so this service was great. Even though I have breasts (ones that I am very proud of and ones that I truly earned), it still felt good to add a prosthesis to a 38B bra and to some bathing suits. These post-mastectomy bras are comfortable and look good. With them I am actually bigger than I was when I started all of this.

The next day I was in Boston to see my doctors. With Dr. Tobias we discussed what Stage 2 surgery would be all about. Basically a little bit of lipsuction (I was hoping for more!), a little tuning up of the dog ears on the ends of my abdominal scars, and a bit of filling in of the spots where the breast surgeon took tissue above my breasts. It all made sense. I thought he might be able to do some more lipo and plump up my breasts a bit, but that's not exactly necessary according to the doctor. Next I was off to see the breast surgeon. She did a breast exam, which wasn't uncomfortable at all. I thought that since my breasts are quite numb that I might find it uncomfortable, but I didn't. After that she cut me loose. My annual breast exams will be with my local breast surgeon. I was surprised, but grateful that I don't have to make a 4-hour trip for that.

When I told her that I had been fitted for bras with the post-mastectomy bra fitter, my breast surgeon was surprised. She said that I should just go to Victoria's Secret or some other places for bras and bathing suits since the whole point of the reconstruction was to avoid a prosthesis. I was surprised by her reaction. But, we headed out to do some shopping so I figured I would see if I could find something that would fit. My old bras and bathing suits don't fit so I had my doubts.

Well, after a few hours of trying on clothes (without my 38B bra on) I found a couple of bathing suits that worked for me. But, I couldn't find a bra to fit. They don't make 38A padded off the rack at Sears or JC Penney. When I got home I did go online to Victoria's Secret and saw that they do offer a 38A padded bra for $45. I won't order one, but when I get to a Victoria's Secret store I will try one on. In the meantime I am very happy to have the bras from the bra fitter as well as some sports bras that fit.

Now I have some versatility in my bathing suit wardrobe. Remember, I live at our camp in the summer and spend lots of time on and near the water. Right now I have bathing suits for watersports like waterskiing and tubing (non-prothesis) and others for socializing on the deck (full cup 38B). I am happy. Probably not all people will need or want both the non-prothesis bras and bathing suits, but it works for me. I am wearing the Full 38B in the picture!!!

Offical Recovery is Over - Back in the Saddle

My official recovery is over. Today marks the start of Week #7 and since the typical recovery is 6 weeks, it is now over. I realize that I am one of the lucky ones. Other than the bad spell with anesthesia and morphine, my surgery and recovery have been uneventful. I like that. Life is back to normal. Well, almost normal. Wearing a sports bra under work clothes just doesn't cut it. But, I am lucky that I have breasts and that they feel/look quite normal. Well, other than they are numb. Unless they are being touched they feel normal. I will take this over the roller coaster of biopsies and mammos and MRIs.

Today was my first official client appointment. As you know, I work for myself as a Certified Career Management Coach, so today was the first day I started seeing clients again. First I pumped myself full of coffee - high test. Up until last week I was reluctant to drink caffeine even though Maria and Dr. Curtis said I could do so way back during Week #2. I held off, but now I am back. I love my coffee. For years I didn't drink it due to its association with breast lumps/soreness, but I don't have to worry about that anymore.

Plus, the caffeine was just what I needed to get going today. I've had great appointments with clients today. Felt like I was back in the saddle. Now, to the computer to create their resumes. But first my blog. Since starting this blog I have not written much at all about my work. So, let me tell you that years and years ago I quit my 'secure' job to start my own career counseling/coaching business and I love it. I love my job. I love career coaching. I love resumes. I love job search. I love working for myself.

Wow, the caffeine has truly kicked in. It's been six weeks since I even felt like doing work. Even if my body felt fine, my brain was still a bit groggy. Details were fuzzy, even a week ago. But now, I am into the details and excited about creating some exciting, detail-oriented resumes today!!!

In the beginning I thought I would stop blogging after Week #6 and start up again right before Stage 2 surgery in the fall, BUT blogging makes me happy, so I will continue even if it is sporadic. Tracking my progress makes me feel good. Seeing how far I have come in a year makes me feel great. In a future post I will go back to where I was a year ago as I started down the road to my PBM with DIEP and how it feels to look back.

Time is speeding by and work awaits me.....

ACS - Making Strides Against Breast Cancer

Maria, my nurse from my plastic surgeon's office, is forming a team for the October 3, 2010 Making Strides Against Breast Cancer walk in Boston. The team name is Boston DIEP. If you are interested in walking or donating please click here, I support the Boston DIEP team! THANK YOU!

I donated online and it was very easy. I clicked on Maria's name so that it will be credited toward her fundrasing goal. I love fundraising and if there is any way that I can help in the fight against breast cancer and the promotion of early detection I will do it.

About twelve years ago I was one of the founding members of the Maine Race for the Cure and the Maine Affiliate of the Susan G. Komen Foundation. We were instrumental in getting the RFTC off the ground and building a foundation for what is today a two-city (Bangor and Portland) event held in September. If you have never participated in one of these events you really should.

As Race Chair, I traveled all over the country to learn and to particpate in races. There is nothing like the sea of pink you see when you are walking. It always brings tears to my eyes. Those experiences were actually a factor in my decision to pursue my prophylactic bilateral mastectomy (PBM). When you see women fighting for their lives because it wasn't found early, then you realize just how important early detection is. Although my decision to have a PBM was difficult, I realized just how lucky I was to have the option of reducing my risk of breast cancer before it could take hold.

So, whenever I have the opportunity to support friends who are raising money for breast cancer research, education or treatment, I find ways to give. Please help.

Week 6 - Day 3

This is my 100th post. When I started this blog about a year ago, I never thought I would go public with it. It was just my little journal and way for me to sort out my feelings about a having a huge surgery or not. Now, less than a year later, I am pleased to share my blog with people all over the world. Even though there are some very hideous pictures of me (see Week 1/Week2 posts), the benefit of sharing my experience outweighs the embarrassment of having the world see me in a not so good light.

A few months ago, I was scouring the internet looking for blogs of women who had walked this road before me. I was desperately trying to find someone whose experience paralleled mine. That someone is Teri over at http://www.myblip.wordpress.com/. About six weeks before me she had a PBM with DIEP and chronicled her story on her blog. One night I found her and connected immediately. Amazingly my stress started to dissipate almost immediately. She wrote about what each day, then what each week was like. I began to feel strong, to feel like I could do it too. As I began my recovery, I went back to her posts to see how my recovery compared to hers. Better yet, she would email me words of encouragement. She is out west and I am about as far east as you can get, but we still became friends. We may never meet, but I can assure you I will always remember her and be grateful to her for her support and encouragement.

I would like to publicly thank all those women who have reached out to me to support me and to share their breast cancer experiences with me, but I won't name them. They don't have blogs and may not want their names posted. So, I will say that they are old old friends, new friends, friends from college, friends from my town and online friends. All of you held a piece to the puzzle I was trying wrap my mind around as I moved toward my surgery date. As the date got closer the puzzle was coming together, but there were still missing pieces. At that point there were a few key connections that were made in person and via the telephone that were instrumental in pumping me up for surgery. I will forever be grateful to each and everyone of you.

And, how do I thank my non-breast cancer friends and family? The cards, the flowers, the meals, the trip to Reny's, the visits, the babysitting.....where do I even begin to thank you? You will always hold a special place in my heart. Thank you.

Maria and my medical team were also instrumental in getting me over the hump. On my pre-admission visit to Dr. Tobias, I had four pages of questions. Maria very throughly answered each and every question. She put me at ease. That was a key moment for me. She did this with confidence and humor. She also connected me with another person who had had the same surgery for the same reason just a few months before me. Again, a key piece to the puzzle.

So, for my 100th post, I just wanted to recognize all the people who were instrumental in getting me to where I am today. It was truly a team effort.

However, the one key person I can never thank enough is my Dear Husband. You've read the posts, so you know just what he did to support me before, during and after my surgery. We can now laugh about some of the 'crazy' things that happened (or didn't really happen) in the hours after the surgery, but there were moments of sheer terror for him and he never let me know at the time. He was steady and supportive and loving every minute of every day. I love him and will forever be grateful for his love, patience, understanding and support.

Week 6 - Day 2

As I have mentioned before, I am back to normal - EXCEPT - I can't snap my pants. This is a problem since everything I wear has a snap and a zipper. And the snaps close right at my incision. So today I am wearing some capri pants with my zipper undone, but with a jacket over it. Plus I am wearing my binder which makes it hard to zip and snap. It's not a bad dilemma, but it is a dilemma. Do I go out shopping for some sun dresses that would be wonderful if the weather cooperates? Or do I try to find some elastic waist pants that I can roll down and never wear again when I am totally recovered?

Mike and I are headed to Boston for some follow-up appts next week so maybe we can take some time to shop. I know he would just love that!!! Well, he would love it if we were shopping for golf clubs. I also need to check into bathing suits.

Since I am not having the second surgery until fall, I need to figure out how to live with my body as it is for the next few months. At home I can do just fine with what I have, but when it comes to work clothes I need help. Maybe I will go out around here today to see what's available. Hopefully I will be pleasantly surprised.

As far as recovery I am doing great. What I notice most is that I am thinking much more clearly than before. I hadn't realized that things were foggy, until things cleared up. Maybe there's still some of that nasty anesthesia floating around in my body somewhere.

Week 6 - Day 1

Every Monday I am so excited. Last week it was "Four weeks ago I was in surgery....". This week, it's "Five weeks ago I was in sugery...." I don't know how long this will go on, but I am thinking that after this week when Monday comes along I probably won't be focusing on the surgery date. In my mind I have the 6-week recovery in my head and next Monday will mark the 6-week date.

At this point in time I really don't have any pain, except at night. It's not really pain, but again, discomfort. It feels like a thera-band being pulled across my chest. Tightness. I am taking only 2 Tylenol before bed now and nothing during the day (most days).

Every morning (7 days/week) I am exercising for 45 minutes. It's keeping me in shape. My arms still need to do more stretching. It's easy to run my fingers up the wall, but when laying on my back with my shoulders over my head I can really feel the stretch. I need to do more of those stretches to really get the mobility back. Plus, while I am on my back, I am going to try some crunches today. Everything seems healed so I don't think I am going to pop a stitch.

Speaking of stitches. My 38cm belly scar is looking pretty good. The scabbing and glue is still coming off. My designer belly button is looking great. I had a few concerns a week or so ago, but now it's looks normal and very nice. Great job Dr. Tobias!!!  My breasts are healing well. The scabs/stitches are pretty much gone now. They are still numb and will stay this way for a while or longer.

Now that some of my belly sensations are coming back I can focus more on what the sensation of my breasts is like. Before I had the surgery I had heard that it was a bit like Novacaine. Now, I agree. If you've ever had Novacaine and felt your cheek on the outside - kinda poking it. Well, that's what it feels like when I poke my breasts. I don't know if that will change. But I must say, that that is a small price to pay for the reduction in my breast cancer risk.

That's my post for today. I am not sure how much I will post this week. I hope to put some time into completing MeiMei's adoption video/lifebook. Then, I plan to revamp my website - an ongoing goal.

I love to hear from you. So feel free to email me at bethisrael207@live.com.

Week 5 - Day 6

Today was another great day. Down to one round of Advil and two rounds of Tylenol. The real test came today. As you can see I passed. It was really important to me to be able to ride my bike and I did it today. No pain. No discomfort. Joy!! I loved it. My ride was short, but absolutely perfect!!

On the family side, JieJie had her first official riding lesson this morning. She had fun, so we will most likely sign her up for a bit of horse camp when she gets out of school. It feels good to see her so happy. I also want to sign her up for an art camp since she is so creative and happpy when she is doing art.

Then we will be off to camp for the summer without high speed internet. We actually have dial-up service. After a few years of going without internet, I decided that I could live with dial-up - so much better than nothing at all. Being isolated on a beautiful lake in the easternmost county in the US is great, but also lonely, so being connected is great.

JieJie's first communion is coming up at the end of the month, so my wonderful and thoughtful aunt stopped by to drop off a gift for her. I love my aunts. I am so lucky to have my aunts and my girls are so very lucky to have great aunts. They really are GREAT!!

Week 5 - Day 4 - ONE MONTH AGO!!

One month ago today I was being wheeled into a 14 1/2 hour surgery to reduce my risk of breast cancer. Today I am sitting at home (after a 45-minute workout) typing on my computer and feeling great. I am so happy that I did the surgery. I am relieved and ready to move beyond the waiting and wondering. There are still two more procedures for me to fine-tune my 'canvas', but nothing like the big surgery. So today is a very happy day!!!

Week 5 - Day 3

Today, I am feeling so much better. Yeah, I did get up at 5:30am to WATCH Mike do his workout. Baby steps. Getting out of bed. Maybe tomorrow I will actually do the workout with him again. Still getting adjusted to the lack of energy. BUT not for long. I just put a pot of coffee on - YIPPEE!! I admit I NEED IT. Hopefully caffeine will get me over this low energy hump. I can always quit - again.

On the recovery front - my scabs are falling off along with the glue that has held me in place. I am excited about seeing what I will look like without the brown scabs. I am also gearing up for Stage II. Realistically that won't happen until the fall, but I really want to move forward with it.

Although I have been wearing jeans and a sports bra, I find that I am so much more comfortable in a cami and sweatpants. Oh, I am so much more comfortable. So, today it comfy clothes all day. Since I plan to do some bookkeeping and cleaning it will work out just fine. I do worry about when I have to wear work clothes again and how that will feel. My original plan was to take 6 weeks off from work (I work for myself) so I think I will stick with that plan. Luckily some of my work is online, so that's been easy. It's the face-to-face career consultations and the traveling that I do that will be a bit more challenging. So if I give it another week and a half I should feel that much better.

Last night was my first night without Percocet. I took two Tylenol at 8pm and made it through the night. I was a bit uncomfortable, but not enough to wake up and take another pill. I also slept on my stomach - wow. I love sleeping on my back, but found that I had rolled over and if was fine. So, I guess these are some of the baby steps I am taking.

Last night I was so happy!!! Three of my favorite nephews stopped by with three of their friends on their way to a canoe trip on the St. John River. My oldest nephew said that this was something on his 'bucket list' and was excited about checking it off. They will be camping in snow at the start of their trip as they canoe 120 miles to the very northern part of Maine (Allagash). How exciting for them!! One of my nephews is a Registered Maine Guide and two of the friends have hiked the Appalachain Trail, so I think they are in good hands. However, when I asked about the temperature rating on their sleeping bags, they were talking about Walmart sleeping bags with a rating of 40 degrees. Yikes. It's going to be much colder than that at night. I gave them my LLBean bag with a much lower rating. They were impressed when they saw just how small it was once it was pushed inside the attach sack. Hopefully it will keep someone warm at night. Here are some pictures of my 'boys' with their little cousins.

Week 5 - Day 2

This week I am trying to follow my normal routine. So today I volunteered at JieJie's library. When I got home I realized that I am not exactly up to par. I am a bit tired and still a bit sore. Even though I want to be full strength, I am not really quite there. Yesterday I forgot to wear my binder and was quite sore at the end of the day. Maybe it was the 3 mile walk I took!! I am feeling like I am having a coffee withdrawal, but I gave up coffee months ago. So I guess it's just that I am tired. I would much rather post about all the fun stuff I am doing, but this blog is meant to be a resource of others who find themselves on a similar path at some point, so I need to be accurate.

Yesterday I talked to friend about her breast cancer and the choices she is facing regarding reconstruction. It's ironic because she was an inspiration to me as my surgery date was getting closer and whenever I was doubting my decision I would run into her and she would tell me that I really needed to move forward with the PBM. Now that my surgery is over, I am able to 'give back' with information, suggestions, etc that may be helpful to her as she makes reconstruction decisions. One of the things I can do now is direct people back to this blog. Hopefully it will help others see what the choice of PBM + DIEP is all about.

My original plan for my blog was to update it everyday for the 6-week recovery period, but there just isn't that much change from day-to-day so I am going to do a couple of updates each week instead. I will also update after follow-up medical appointments and will do daily updates as I prepare for Stage II of my reconstuction surgery.

I still need to call the bra-fitting, post-mastectomy specialist, but just don't have the energy yet. With summer coming and swimsuit season almost here I really need to get moving on this, but I am not ready yet. Maybe it's just that it is cold out again. Spring in Maine is so unpredictable. We can go from 80 degrees to 40 degress in the matter of hours. So, in the absence of warmth outside I am posted some pictures of my pretty flowers (taken with new Nikon D5000 camera).

Week 4 - Day 7

Okay, so I still need Tylenol and Advil. Today I tried to go with only a couple of Advil before church, but by 2:30 pm I was reaching for the Tylenol. Not sure if I am weak, or if it's pretty normal to still need some pain meds 4 weeks after surgery. Other than the numbness and tightness in my core I feel pretty normal. Today I even wore a sports bra. Yippee!! Not sure when I will move beyond a sports bra, but it certainly is a milestone. Again, feeling more like myself. For the past few days I have been getting away from all the elastic waist pants and moving into stretchy jeans. It works as longs as the waistline isn't on my scar.

All the scabbing seems to be flaking off now. Yeah, gross, but I want to detail some of the milestones for others who someday may be reading this as they face their own surgery. For me, as I was anticipating the surgery, hearing from others who walked this path before me was the most helpful of all. Knowing what the recovery was like was a key piece in having confidence that I could do this. Of course, I expected more pain and discomfort than I have had, but I think I paid the price in the hospital those first 2-3 days.

There are a few things I will have to get used to. The first is the numbness of my breasts. Actually my whole core is numb now, but most of that should return in time. With my breasts I am not expecting to be able to actually feel them again. Well, I can feel them but in a different way. Maybe in another post I will try to really describe the feeling. One other thing I need to get used to is my new "designer" bellybutton. It's not the same one I was born with. It's different. I am sure that in time I will become accustomed to it. Same with my breasts.

Tomorrow will mark the four week anniversary of my surgery. Wow, time has really flown. It really does seem like yesterday that we were heading out to Boston and I was wrapping my mind around the fact that I was having a bilateral mastectomy. Now four weeks later I have breasts and even wore a tank top today. Also, really loving the flat belly. I do need to ask my plastic surgeon if it will stay flat even if I eat alot!!! I got some of the Feed-the-Flap recipes from friends and have been making them myself and feeling the 'stretch'.

Tomorrow I plan to start working out with Mike at 5:30am - and hopefully will get back into my pre-surgery routine. I also need to do my arm stretches - I have neglected these and find it hard to reach for things up high.

Well, Week 4 is a wrap!! Tomorrow Week 5 begins. I don't have a plan on posts, but will come up with something.

Week 4 - Day 6

With school vacation this week, things have been a bit hectic. Today JieJie is off to Augusta for dress rehearsal for her baton recital next month. Thankfully one of the other moms was happy to take JieJie along with her own daughter. Recovery is good, but not good enough to drive an hour+, hang out for 4 hours and drive an hour+ home. So, instead I am watching MeiMei while Mike and two of his friends build the Sky Fort for the girls. Here are some photos from today.

Week 4 - Day 5

Today I woke up exhausted!! Not sure if it's because JieJie was in bed with us and was so excited about getting up and making Blueberry Buckle (see Feed-the-Flap recipes) for her Daddy's Birthday Breakfast. So for a couple of hours I just kept telling her it would be a few minutes, so finally, around 6am we were up and cooking in the kitchen. Then while the Blueberry Buckle was cooking, we headed upstairs with breakfast in bed for Daddy. After all that I really was exhausted. Hmmmm, seems some days I can do alot and others I can barely get out of bed. Not sure if that's just me or part of the recovery process.

Now it's 10am and I feeling a bit more normal and energetic. It's Mike's birthday and in all the pre-planning that I did before surgery I neglected to pre-buy birthday gifts. So, now we are all headed out to do some birthday shopping with the guest of honor. I do plan to make him an apple pie and Taco Soup (also under Feed-the-Flap recipes) for dinner. That's probably all I will be up for, but on my list is making chocolates for my Aunt, cleaning the house, the basement, preparing for a yard sale, paying bills, organizing finances, tinkering with my work website, cleaning out the garage, redoing the girls' rooms, dejunking, making Shutterfly books, doing MeiMei's lifebook and video.....well you get the picture.

Week 4 - Day 4

I feel great!! This morning I did most of my old workout routine with Mike. Stopped after about 2.5 miles to work on my arm stretches. It is beautiful outside so I plan to grab my camera and watch Mike work on the Sky Fort with the girls. Pictures will follow......

Week 4 - Day 3

Who would have thought that just barely three weeks out of surgery I would be doing some hiking in Acadia? Certainly not me!!! Granted it was light hiking - like walking around Eagle Lake and picnicing by the water, but it still counts as hiking in my book!  I've been wearing a binder around my middle which seems to make me more comfortable when walking. The binder is like a giant velcro band that covers my entire middle section. Not sure what it is for, but it feels good. I am down to taking just Tylenol and Advil now, with an occasional Percocet at night. It seems to be working.

Last night I did find that there was something I couldn't do. I just couldn't wash the girls' hair in the tub. I can't bend over very easily. Trying to get them to move from their tub to my shower so that I could help was torturous. In the end they did it, but it wasn't pretty. Mike realized when he came in from building the new swingset that maybe I am not 'totally' back to normal. I've fooled him into thinking I can do everything I could do before the surgery, but my secret escaped me last night.

My energy isn't really what it was before, but it's not bad. I am starting to think about spring projects. In time I might even feel like cooking again. Although that might be a ways away. We still have a couple of Feed-the-Flap leftovers, which I hope to stretch. I am so glad that we had that pre-surgery party. I had planned to cook up a bunch of food before surgery, but never had the time or the inclination. So, now, because our friends so generously provided potluck meals at our Feed-the-Flap party we still have food around. It is wonderful.

Here are so photos from our day at Acadia National Park. You've gotta love living an hour from Acadia. We ended our day with ice cream cones from Bill & Bob's in Bar Harbor.

Week 4 - Day 2

More monumental improvements today!! I mowed the lawn this morning and drove this afternoon. My brother, Tommy, and his son, Joe, stopped by for a nice visit today! He was funny. He remembers me telling him last summer about the surgery I was planning to have (PBM + DIEP) and didn't give it any further thought. I think his words were, "That's so far out there that no one would do it." So when he heard that I was in the middle of my surgery 3 weeks ago, he was quite surprised, to say the least. I liked the gasp when he saw my abdominal scar!! Now I can sit back and say, "Yah, I did that and I lived through it!" My recovery is going very smoothly. Mike says it's because he had me working out every morning for a few months before the surgery. You know, I might just be able to start doing that same workout again - maybe tomorrow!! Here I am mowing the lawn this morning.

Week 4 - Day 1

Update - Just added photos to Week 3, Day 4 (Drain Pull Day):

It was three weeks ago today that I had my surgery and I am proud to say that I am now taking real showers - no more sitting down and no more Marsupial Pouch. Getting the fourth and final drain out made that all possible. I would highly recommend the Marsupial Pouch to anyone and everyone who has hip and armpit drains.

I am still quite sore and tender. The little bit of pain that I have seems to be moving up from my abdomen to my chest. Still not really hitting the 1-10 pain scale - just discomfort. But, I have been able to do so many more things. For example, today I wore jeans for the first time in 3 weeks. I also rode my Green Machine very slowly around the driveway. And I have lost almost 10 lbs from my pre-surgery (feed-the-flap) weight. Oh, and my stomach is flat. Sure there is a scar across it that is 38 centimeters long and I have new designer belly button, but my belly is flat. My breasts seem to be loosening up each day and becoming more like breasts. For a while they were getting quite hard, but seem to be adjusting to their new placement. It is hard to imagine that my belly fat is now sitting in my breasts. It's also hard to imagine just how uncomfortable I was just 3 weeks ago -- the phlegm ball in my throat that seemed to be suffocating me, the hallucinations from the morphine and the steady stream of medical professionals checking on me.

I am pleased with the results - even if I have only done Stage I. Stages II and III are to come. I can do Stage II this summer, but think I will wait until Fall. Although, I would love to have my new body ready for summer. But I am a bit worried about undergoing surgery again. I can remember everything and there is nothing pleasant about the recovery area. Waking up from 14+ hours of surgery was tough. Waking up from 14+ hours of surgery with a phlegm ball was even tougher. Waking up from 14+ hours of surgery with a sensitivity to morphine was toughest of all.

So, other than a little bit of nerve pain down my left arm I feel pretty good. I still get tired mid-day. I get as much walking in as I can and feel much better after exercising. My armpits have been uncomfortable, but with the arm exercises they are feeling a little bit better.

On the homefront, we are still benefitting from the generosity of friends. Yesterday we finished up Brenda's lasagne and chicken/broccoli casserole. We still have some leftovers from the Feed-the-Flap party that will carry us for a few more meals. We are truly blessed to have so many kind and generous friends.

Week 3 - Day 5

Another little difference is understanding my limitations and accepting them. When we were planning our trip to Boston this week I wanted so much to keep heading south to RI or CT to visit with a an old friend who was so suppportive and a key piece to the puzzle when I was on the fence with surgery. She and I talked for a couple of hours the night before I left for Boston for the surgery and she was just exactly what I needed at that point in time. So, I thought that if we could just head south a bit after my last drain is pulled then we could visit with her. Plus my nephew lives nearby and we could squeeze a visit in with him. BUT, I am now accepting my physical limitations. So, instead of RI and CT we are staying put in ME. That's okay. I realize that I can't burn the candle on both ends or my recovery will be very slow. Even now, everything takes a bit longer. With the drains (even one) I dreaded the whole shower routine. A slight pull on the drain and pain would shoot through my body.

It's very tough to do less. I feel like I should be able to do everything I was doing before, but when your entire core is sore, tight and funky feeling it makes movement difficult. One thing I can do without much difficulty is sit at my computer, thus all the blog posts.

On our little mini vacation in southern Maine we have been able to enjoy the things we love about Maine. We love lighthouses and beaches. My favorite beach of all time is Pine Point Beach, so we always make a point of going there, especially when the tide is out. This beach makes me very very happy!!! So even though I have had to realize that I can't do all the things I used to do (for now) I can still enjoy so many things, particularly when I am with my family.

Just want to thank my friends again for all the things they have been doing. We truly are appreciative of everything and the food is always delicious. I need to add more of your recipes to my Feed the Flap page. Thank you!!!

LIVE UPDATE: By now you have figured out that I pre-post sometimes. Anyway, today was my first drain-less shower - heaven!!! No twinges when the drain would pull or I would accidently drop the drain. No more marsupial pouch for me. I will post photos from yesterday's visit to Dr. Tobias' office when I get home. This morning's breakfast was absolutely wonderful. I consider today to be the first day of my recovery......I really can't tell you just how nice it is to be without that last drain. I have a binder wrapped around my mid-section, but it feels fabulous and the best part is that I can pull my waistband up over the binder - again, like a normal person. Ahhhhhhh.......